Saturday, February 20, 2010

Father of the Bride... Eh, not really.

I'm going to discuss a topic that is a little... touchy to say the least. It is something I have debated about whether or not to share, but I know if I am going through it than at least one other bride out there is going through it and if I can help her out, then.. well that's what this is all about. If you haven't guessed already, I'll give you a hint- I so don't have Steve Martin as my dad.
Weddings are a combination of the happiest and most stressful times in a brides life. I am so excited and happy to have found someone who I can spend and build my life with and so stressed and worried about all of the family drama to come- all at the same time. And I am also a little sad, too. Because I know my father won't be there for me on my wedding day like so many other brides out there. And not because he is no longer living, but because he has a sickness. And it's called alcoholism. It has prevented him from being apart of my life in any real way for the past fifteen years and it will prevent him from watching his first born daughter start her life with a man who is to be cherished. And though I tell people who ask that it doesn't bother me, deep down inside, I'm hurt.
My parents got divorced when I was 5 and I used to be a big daddy's girl. My father was my hero and I would defend him against anyone. I got into fights with my mom, my grandparents, anyone who would speak an ill word about him- even though I knew he wasn't like most dads. Years passed and eventually my father moved on an got remarried and had other children. These new children took first place in his heart and our relationship suffered because of it. Since then my father has missed parent teacher conferences, school plays, graduations and other big moments like me becomming a homeowner. When I got engaged like most brides the first thing I did was reach for my phone. I called everyone- including my father. Foolishly I thought that my getting married would make him realize the things he has missed and would make him try to get involved. Sadly, I was wrong.
He forgot Mr. Yankees' name 5 minutes after I told him and sighed defeatedly when I told him our potential time frame (20 months into the future!). He changed the dynamic of me being engaged- it wasn't about me finding a great man, but about him having to come up with money (which I never asked for). I hung up the phone upset with my stomach in knots. How did my father take the happiest moment in my life and twist it around to be about him?! Oh, thats right. That's what alcoholics do.
Since that phone call, I have had limited contact with him. My mother keeps asking if I am going to include him in the wedding and I have to tell her repeatedly no. He made his decisions and while I understand it is a disease, I know there are thousands of people who are recovering from it everyday. He chooses to stay an alcoholic, therefore he chooses to stay out of my life. One of the big decisions I had to make due my fathers absence was who was going to walk me down the aisle. I am all for independent women who are strong and brave enough to walk themselves down the aisle, but I know myself and I will be freaking out right before that walk and will need someone to guide me. My first thought?! My bestest guy friend in the whole world, Sevan.

personal photo: sevan, ms.yankee, and friend austin

I've been friends with those two boys for over 6 years and I love them dearly. And Sevan has always been my center of calm. He is never afraid to call me out of my bull, is there whenever I need him and I never have to worry about him PMSing- a real plus in my book. I look at Sevan as the brother I never had and I am thankful every day that I met someone as genuine and special as him. When I asked him to be apart of the biggest day of my life he responded with his usual, "sure" and made sure I was aware that he was going to be making red sox jokes and threatening to trip me down the aisle. Perfect.

Then my mom informed me that she wanted to walk me down the aisle. Ahh! What was I going to do?! I understood where my mom was coming from- she raised me practically on her own and deserved to have that moment, but I really needed someone who was going to make sure I didn't cry all over the place and force me down that aisle (and I had already asked Sevan)! So I came up with a compromise- they both can help me! So Sevan will be officially titled 'Bridal Escort' while my mom will keep her title and still get to walk me down the aisle.

And although it hurts to know my dad wont be there, I think I have a pretty strong support system in terms of friends and family and I know it will be okay.

Any brides out there have difficult family situations?!

1 comment:

  1. Great post, I know it was difficult to share but I think it's a touching and poignant blog :) I'm glad Sevan can be there for you on your big day, and it's neat that mama gets to do her duty as well!